It's Not A Choice

THIS IS YOUR WARNING: I AM VENTING!

I have surgery on Monday.. I have been stressed since my appointment on Tuesday.. The stress just keeps growing with each passing minute.

First, I'll let you know that I am having a endometrial ablation done (the endometrial lining of my uterus will be removed to stop the pain and heavy cycle that I have been having since Nathan was born). The reason behind the pain and heavy bleeding is because of the cells, tissues, and blood that is growing into that lining and not releasing with my cycles. So, with this done, that means that I wont have that lining there for a baby to attach to if I were to get pregnant again. Well the baby would need that in order to be able to grow. I have had enough miscarriages! Not only would the baby not make it if I were to get pregnant, it could cause me a lot of problems. It could end badly for me! It will always end badly for the baby and could potentially kill me! So in order to prevent killing a baby or myself, I need to have a tubal ligation done as well. I am a basket case!!!

Not only did my doctor tell me that I wouldnt be able to get pregnant again with the crap that is in my uterus, he also told me that I could do a D&C to clear it out but that would only last 1-2 months and then I would be right back to where I am. There is NO guarantee that I would be able to get pregnant in that 1-2 month time frame. Then I would have to go back in for another D&C if we wanted to try again or I would be in the same damn boat that I am in now! I am so pissed with people who think that this is a choice!!! Do not sit there and judge me! You dont know what hell I have been through..

Surgery is Monday morning at 8am.. I am scared, I am upset, I am nervous, I am relieved, I am hurt.

This is going to take some getting used to. Its not everyday that a doctor tells a 25 year old that she can no longer have kids. And frankly, doctors typically try to steer away from these procedures that I am having for women as young as I am. I have been to many different OB/GYN's and each has told me to "deal with the pain because we cant help you" for lack of better words. This doctor takes me seriously and finally tested and looked beyond an ultrasound!!

I am ready to be pain free.. I am not ready to be broken.. I am ready to not have to spend 3 days a month curled up in a ball crying because of the pain.. I am not ready to face that I can never get pregnant again.. I am ready to not have to plan my activities around of my period...

This isnt easy for me. I am having a hard time with this. I'll be the first to admit that I am not going to get through this with smooth sailing. I dont know when I will be able to handle being around newborns or glowing pregnant women. I LOVED being pregnant!! Absolutely LOVED it!! My doctors both told me that I was meant to have babies! I never got sick, I never had typical pregnancy symptoms, I never gained a ton of weight, I always had healthy babies, I always had good size babies, I always delivered my babies naturally, I never had to push long (even with my 10.5 pound baby), I WAS MEANT TO HAVE BABIES!! Lots of babies!

Dont get me wrong, I LOVE the beautiful babies that I have! I am thankful beyond belief for the beautiful babies that I have. I wouldnt trade any of them for the world!! I dont care that I had Kaylee at 16! And you sure shouldnt either. Joe and I raised that little girl and we paid for everything that she needed (minus Grandma Lynn and Grandma Candi spoiling her).. We then went on to get married when I was 19! I wouldnt change that either!! Then Natalie came along at 20! And Lillian at 23 after 3 miscarriages, and Nathan at 24!! I am young and I am proud! I have my home, my husband and my beautiful and healthy babies!

But I am still terrified and sad.. And you cant say you understand unless you have been there and done that. Thank God for my cousin Melissa, and my mops friends, Evie, Carrie, Rebecca, Carol, Pam, Laura, and everyone else who has been there to show their support and to share their stories if they had them. I dont know what I would do without my support system!

So please, dont judge me and dont think that being unable to have more children is my choice nor is it Joe's.

I hurt because I cant give my husband any more kids. I hurt because Nathan will never have a little brother! I hurt because I will never be able to feel the precious kicks and flutters that being pregnant provides you with. I hurt because it was not and is not our choice to not have more kids. It was the cards that God dealt me. God has a plan for us and we may not know what it is yet, but he put me in this position for a reason! God will help me get through this. God will provide and protect. God will be there always even when I have such a hard time adjusting to this and have lost some hope. I know that because my God is awesome and my God is amazing and my God works miracles!!