That time is coming..

Wow... I guess I may sound harsh or insensitive but I dont know how else to word it..

I sit here on the phone with my mom and she is telling me that it's grandpas time to go.. They have him on hospice.. He isn't looking so good.. pneumonia is what is going to kill him.. He can't eat or drink because he cant swallow right.. it goes into his lungs and badda bing badda boom there is your pneumonia.. They are taking him off of a lot of his medications so that when he does get sick again it will just go quickly.. It has been 3 weeks since his last case of pneumonia and he just got it again and believe its gone now and that it wont be long before it happens again. The doctor said maybe a week, maybe a few weeks, maybe a couple of months but he most certainly wont make it another year. I am not sure what to think. My grandpa is not someone that I have ever been close with.. It was always grandma! When I was a kid my mom would bring us kids to Apple Valley so she could cut the grass for grandma and grandpa. Grandpa would sit in his chair with the tv cranked up and his pipe in his mouth.. That is about as deep as my childhood memories go with him. It's grandma I made russian tea cakes with for Christmas. Grandpa was always crabby. For as long as I can remember my grandparents had separate rooms and slept in separate beds.. I dont ever remember my grandpa showing love or affection.. Except for one picture I have.. My mom and sister Kimmy took Lillian to visit grandpa shortly after she was born. He looked SO proud to be holding her! And now I sit here bawling! I cant recall if Mom and Kimmy took Nathan to see grandpa ever or not.. I dont know if he has ever met his newest great-grandson! I feel horrible! I cant even tell you the last time that I saw grandpa.. I could give you 1,000 reasons why I cant find time.. but they are excuses!! Sickening excuses!!! I have been such a brat! Oy! Now that I have myself all worked up and with a lot of thinking to do.. I am going to try and sleep on it. Hopefully I can get some sleep.. Please say prayers for the family as we prepare for this difficult time that is just around the corner..